sometimes thats me.
on the fence. not sure where to go.
i hate making difficult decisions.
do i follow my heart or my brain?
do i make my heart smile and my brain feel like an idiot
or follow my logic and feel my heart say why oh why?
i gotta be strong.
I am done.
I know where my heart is now.
and I also know my brain says it agrees.
neither are sure where to go from here.
why is life so uncertain so scary?
all i know is one thing for sure.
I hope i find where to go next
I hope I find freedom from anxiety
yet again i write.
when i feel alone, lost, scared, wanna go numb
where does these feelings come?
why can’t i beat them
these voices inside my head
so quickly do they come and decide to stay awhile?
i try to come up with tricks to keep them quiet
they just come with new things- faster, stronger
don’t want to move.
its so instense. full of panic.
i want to cry so badly and let my mind return to its orginal state.
but i can’t.
you are crying for no reason chelsea. you have to put a smile on your face
and look like everything is alright. you are strong, nothing can tear you down.
but the harder i try to hide it the more it hurts.
i just want to explode. i feel so alone. even when surrounded by people.
where is my mind?
how did this begin?
why can’t i just function normally so i can be the best i can be??
why can’t i be perfect??
i have been fighting for perfection for too many years.
i know i’ll never obtain it.
but i’ll keep striving to reach as close as i can.
my feelings are so different then my logic
my logic talks all it wants but my feelings don’t really listen.
my feelings control me
i feel too much
“lets fix this rationally chelsea”
sadly rational approach never gets there.
i long to someday get it.
i want to see how i deal with things. my life is changing again. it brings me fear. its been so great. i will never again wish life away. my life is in the right direction but that still means i do not know what is going to happen next. i feel like god gave me a break, strength, finding myself once again. and i am regaining back who i once was. and its been amazing. but my gut feeling tells me i have lots more to learn. once again i get back up on my feet and fight and push so hard till it beats me up. all my strength, over and over again. til finally i fight til i win. with all these voices coming back i am more scared then ever but i hope i learn how to get rid of them finally, take chances, and love with all my heart.
i have nothing to lose but my dignity.
i will stand i will stand when everything falls away.